Managing Expectations When Divorcing a Narcissist

 Posted on February 11, 2025 in Divorce

While few divorces are considered "easy," some have more conflict than others. High-conflict divorces are particularly emotional and tumultuous for all those involved. There may be intense animosity, prolonged legal battles, and disagreements that seem to take on a life of their own. Each decision becomes a point of contention, beginning with the division of marital assets and continuing through the allocation of parental responsibilities and determining parenting time.

A high-conflict divorce tends to bring out the worst in all those involved. Spouses who are divorcing a narcissist can usually expect a high-conflict divorce. Since narcissism may have played a major role in the divorce, spouses of narcissists likely already know to expect a contentious divorce. If you are divorcing a narcissist, you need a Kendall County, IL divorce lawyer who has experience dealing with narcissists to ensure you and your children are protected.

What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

While the word "narcissist" is often thrown around loosely, narcissistic personality disorder is actually a diagnosed mental condition with the following symptoms:

• An inflated sense of one’s own importance.
• A deep need for excessive admiration and attention
• Lack of empathy for others
• Underneath the mask of extreme confidence, fragile self-esteem
•  A need to control every aspect of his or her environment.
• A sense of entitlement
• Feelings of superiority
• The tendency to exaggerate achievements or talents.
• Monopolizing conversations
• Belittling others
• The inability to handle criticism.
• An unwillingness to consider the needs and feelings of others.
• Chronic gaslighting
• Expressions of rage or contempt when challenged.
• Difficulty regulating behaviors and emotions.

A spouse who has lived with a narcissist for years may recognize the signs even if there has been no official diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder.

How Can You Expect a Narcissistic Spouse to Respond to Divorce?

Since most narcissists hate to have their human flaws exposed, divorce can bring out their worst traits. A narcissist sees divorce as exposing their marriage as flawed; when a judge or mediator is involved, they take this as personal criticism, which can cause them to lash out. A narcissist will often respond to divorce by retaliating, belittling, and showing the court why he or she was always "too good for the marriage."  Since narcissists share a trait with abusers – the need to be in absolute control – the loss of that control during a divorce can cause an escalation of behaviors that may include physical and mental abuse.     

Those divorcing a narcissist should expect a fight at every stage of the divorce. Since a narcissist does not like "losing," he or she will likely file endless motions over inconsequential matters. Narcissists often treat their children as property and are much more likely to use a child as leverage during the divorce. Parental alienation is common behavior for a narcissist who may spend an inordinate amount of time convincing the child that the divorce is the other parent’s fault.

When co-parenting after the divorce, a narcissist will likely continue to control and manipulate a former spouse, using the child to do so. Because of this, the parenting plan should be as detailed as possible. A trusted third party may be necessary to facilitate pickups and drop-offs when face-to-face parenting exchanges lead to conflict. In the end, divorcing a narcissistic spouse requires realistic expectations (do not expect negotiations to work), supportive friends and family members, clear boundaries, and documenting everything, no matter how trivial it may seem.

Contact a DuPage County, IL Divorce Lawyer

Perhaps the best strategy you can implement when divorcing a narcissist is to work with an attorney who has dealt with this type of personality before and is prepared to take on a high-conflict situation. When you have an experienced Lisle, IL divorce attorney from SpyratosDavis LLC by your side, you can count on having your future protected from start to finish. Our attorneys are highly focused on creating smart, workable strategies that result in the best possible outcomes. Call 630-810-8881 to schedule your initial attorney meeting.